This is probably gonna be the last time I write so I'm gonna let it all out here. This year has changed me, for better and for worse. It gave me the passion to make my dreams a reality, it also gave me my first taste of reality. Up until this year I always thought that everything would fall in place. If I don't touch anything it'll be fine. This is one of my most regrets. By allowing the pieces to fall without my hand in it, my life became out of control. I had no drive, I had no will. I basically became a living husk. I tried to get myself back to my former glory, but it was no use. Before I knew it I have lost my self esteem. I viewed other to be better than me. my mentality was, "If there are better people to do the job, why not let them do it?". So I quietly faded into the background. I constantly compared myself to other and saw the many talents they have, but just as quickly I saw their talents, I saw my own ineptness. I noticed I was falling when it was already at the end of the school year. To be honest it was just last week that I realized. I then started trying to get myself back to shape, I did all the things I loved, I did all the things I thought I was good at. I still feel that I'm at a lower standard than everyone, but I now know that there are things that only I can do. Even if what I do is pointless, futile, not worth the time and effort. Only I can do that, only me can do the things I can do.
Another one of these changes are I've fallen madly in love. This one person would not get out of mind no matter what I do. I've fantasized about just saying I love her, but I couldn't say it when there are opportunities. Every. Damn. Time I get close to her I start getting nervous. My palms get sweaty and I can't help but clam up. You know her, she's the one I rarely talk to, she's the one I'm rarely with despite being classmates for 4 years, she's the first classmate I made eye contact with this afternoon.
How ironic that she be the first classmate I make eye contact with on the last that we might not see each other again. You know I've given up on try to get to know her, I've given up on trying to be close to her. 4 years I tried to be friends and hopefully more with her. With those 4 years I feel as though we've only been acquaintances. I fell in love with the person I barely know. I try to get close, but I clam up everytime. When times do come when I am with her, I feel bliss, but those moments only last for a moment. Once the moment ends, we start to drift away from each other again. I'm fine with her loving someone else, I'm fine with her wanting to get away from me. I just wanted her to know I've fallen for her so hard. I'm fine with just her knowing.
I've met a lot of people these years, some were kind, some were strong, some were irritating, some were as idiotic as I am. Seeing these people made me feel alive, despite having to put up with my demons. It's because of them than I'm now trying to remove my perpetual poker-face. I'm now trying to show more emotion, smiling more, frowning more. It's because of them that I suddenly start smiling, albeit a bit creepy.
These people have shaped me for the good or bad. I feel sad for the opportunities I lost, but sadness is washed away when I think of the memories I do have with them. Hopefully this is the last post on this blog. Hopefully I get to see them again in the future, preferably when I have matured more than what I am today.
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